1
You’ll hear “Carol of the Bells.” I mean, doesn’t this really sound like it should accompany some scary nightmarish scene from a Tim Burton film? On the plus side, it has the distinction of being one of the few Christmas carols with the power to depress— helpful if you’re feeling too cheery!

2
Stupefyingly bad “contemporary” holiday songs. If I never hear Paul McCartney’s “Wonderful Christmastime,” or Neil Diamond’s fake Jamaican accent at the beginning of his reggae version of “Rudolph the Red- Nosed Reindeer” (I’m not making this up), it will be too soon. PARENTAL WARNING: Diamond’s version is on YouTube, and accessible to children under 13.

3
“The Little Drummer Boy” lyrics “pa rum pum pum pum.” Okay, it’s a nice little song pa rum pum pum pum, but does it really need to end pa rum pum pum pum every single pa rum pum pum pum effing line with pa rum pum pum pum? But, credit where credit is due: That song was written before computerized cut-and- paste.

4
“Santa Claus Is Coming to Town—The Police State Mix.” “You better watch out . . . he sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake . . . making a list, checking it twice . . . he knows if you’ve been good or bad . . .” Threats, spying, database of offenders, summary judgements without trial—Santa sounds like a cross between a pedophile, the DHS, and your creepy uncle Sammy.

5
Kenny G’s holiday music tours. So there you are at the local casino, doing a little gambling, maybe helping some Native Americans extract their revenge on the original illegal immigrants, and you find that . . . Kenny G is playing his holiday tour and that particular casino is one of his victims! Run!