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Craig's List: Five Marketing Slogans That Must Die

November 1, 2011

1: “Limited only by your imagination.” I have a pretty good imagination, so until a product can transport me through space accompanied by super-intelligent knockout female aliens (preferably with lots of arms) and an infinite supply of world-class sushi, it ain''t true.

2: “Turns your dreams into reality.” Depending on which of my dreams they''re talking about, I''m not sure if that''s a threat or a promise. But I''d rather not take the chance, if it means running in molasses while being pursued by giant, fire-breathing blue armadillos playing a cover version of “You Light Up My Life” on out-of-tune ukuleles. Through Marshall stacks.

3: “Future-proof.” I''ll make an exception for non-tech thingies, like stone tablets you hit with animal thigh bones, but here''s a reality alert: Either the technology will change, the company will stop supporting it, or there will be an extinction-level event and no one will care.

4:“The most unique [fill in the blank].” How can something be “most unique?” Unique means there''s nothing like it. So is something that''s most unique different from other things that are just like it, but also unique but just not quite as unique? I''m so confused . . .

5:“Destined to be a classic.” Hey, if you can foretell the future, why didn''t you buy Apple stock when it was $30 a share? Or tell me Mine That Bird (50-1 odds, dude!) was going to win the 2009 Kentucky Derby?

Note: This unique column is limited only by Craig''s imagination, and destined to be a classic. But wait—there''s more! Buy the next issue of Electronic Musician, and you''ll receive another, brand-new “Craig''s List” at absolutely no extra charge!

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