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Craig’s List – The “League of 5ive” Music Industry Super-Heroes!
5/23/2012
1
Captain Compressor
Yes, he lost his supercompression
powers to
Loki Limiter in his last
movie, Legend of the Lost
Dynamics. But Captain
Compressor did recover
the fabled Bieber-Ray—a
device so terrifying that
those in its sonic path are
instantly immobilized.
Interesting gimmick,
but a box office failure—
insiders say he’ll get his
compressor powers back
in the sequel, Legend of
the Lost Dynamics 2: Try
Lowering the Threshold.
2
ReverbMan
Part of Al Gore’s Legion
of Eco-Heroes (Discovery
Channel, Fridays; check
local listings for times),
ReverbMan’s unusual
ability to make anything
wet—acquired after
falling overboard in
the radioactive waters
off Fukushima—has
him running around
the world in his
Reverberocket, saving
the world from drought.
3
Noise Gate Girl
The ultra-sexy Noise
Gate Girl (played by Mila
Jovovich), like the sirens of
old, lures evildoers to her
lair by playing irresistible,
transcendent music. With
her trusty sidekick Hillary
Hysteresis, they wait
until the moment their
prey steps under the gate,
then—WHAM! And yes,
it’s usually accompanied by
Noise Gate Girl spitting out
her famous catch phrase,
“It’s time for some . . . serious
noise reduction!”
4
Master Maximizer
Granted, some of the
“Comicon Cognoscente”
consider Master
Maximizer a cheap ripoff
of The Hulk. Not so!
Master Maximizer can
crush anything in his path
into a worthless, tiny
glob of sound so dense its
gravitational field equals
Jupiter’s. And he does
this all with his amazing
strength and lack of
finesse matched only
by . . . well, The Hulk, I
guess. Okay, point taken.
But Maximizer still rules.
5
Analog Skypewalker
Technically he’s not really
a super-hero, but he is the
hero of the immensely
popular Merchandising Wars
trilogy. In his latest movie
Return of the Vinyl, Analog is
held captive by the evil lord
Darth Digital. Will his friend
Han Solobutton (played by
Harrison Consoles) make
it past the Hiss of Death,
and save Analog from being
frozen perpetually in a
zero state? It’s Analog vs.
Digital—and they’re ready to
rumble! Turntable rumble,
that is.
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