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9/28/2012

1
Barack Obama promises that if elected, he will sponsor a songwriting competition to create “a national anthem that normal human beings can actually sing.” To further sweeten the pot, he pledges to commission a new version of “Hail to the Chief” that doesn’t sound like a beer commercial from the Third Reich.

2
Mitt Romney swears that if elected, he will never, ever sing in public again without being processed through pitch correction. His popularity soars as he’s hailed for being “a truly compassionate conservative after all.”

3
Sting lookalike and former Governor Mike Huckabee promises that should Romney win, he’ll stop pretending he’s actually a hip musician, or that his Little Rockers would be anything other than the house band for “Big Al’s Gas & Go” were it not for their exposure on Fox News. Polls taken shortly afterward show a sudden, dramatic surge for Romney.

4
Alleged rock guitarist/ draft dodger Ted Nugent claims he’ll either be “dead or in jail” if Obama is elected. Sensing an opportunity when they see one, millions of likely Romney voters—having heard bits of Nugent’s recent concerts and seen English translations of his latest rantings— switch their votes to Obama.

5
Libertarian Gary Johnson, running on the “Choose a Rational Non-Sociopath for President” platform, appeals to the musician vote by saying he will de-criminalize marijuana “24 hours after taking office.” Unfortunately his strategy backfires when supporters of the measure can’t remember which day they’re supposed to vote, the location of their polling places, or how his name is spelled.

Note: I am aware that someone, somewhere, somehow will be offended by something that is said in this column. So, please accept this sincere pre-emptive apology, and know that I am truly sorry from the bottom of my heart that you are easily offended.   Print Page