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2/21/2013

1 “Blurfle Software announces version 3.0 of ‘NewDAW’”
“Announces” means . . . well, that the company is sorta hoping it intends to ship something, someday. Maybe sooner rather than later. Well actually, probably later. It’s kind of like when JetBlue “announces” that a flight will leave at 4:47 p.m. Of course it will!

2 “Blurfle Software now shipping new version of flagship program ‘NewDAW’”
“Shipping” means they hope you forgot that the program was “announced” over a year ago, that they said it would ship in six months, and then they said it was “shipping” three months ago. But now, they really mean it’s shipping. And it must be as true as Jesse Ventura’s Conspiracy Theory, because there’s actual box artwork! So there.

3 “The latest version includes 23 exciting new features, as well as bug fixes”
Careful, now . . . it’s risky to brag about bug fixes, because it means the last version really was as buggy as that forum guy— you know, the whiner dude who complained in daily, semi-coherent rants—said it was. Fortunately, it’s common knowledge that a new version never introduces new bugs!

4 “NewDAW 3.0 features better workflow, great new plug-ins, and an improved audio engine”
This is the logical followup to that time they said that NewDAW 2.0 had “below-average workflow, a fairly boring set of plug-ins, and an audio engine that generally works pretty much okay.” Oh, they didn’t say that? They said 2.0 had better workflow, great new plug-ins, and an improved audio engine? Nevermind.

5 “NewDAW 3.0 is available from our exclusive online storefront!”
This means the company has discovered that for the price of a server (and an IT department comprising an indie rock-listening phantasm whose résumé consists of “successfully hacked the Pentagon”), they don’t have to duplicate media or bribe music stores for shelf space, and can fill orders while sitting naked in the kitchen with an iPad. Sweeeeeeet!

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