1: The “Squash Control” law. All consumer gear will have, in addition to volume and tone controls, a “squash” maximizing control for killing the dynamic range. Mastering engineers won''t have to make unlistenable masters any more—consumers can make music unlistenable all by themselves! Power to the people!
2: I''ll declare a “War on Loudness.” We''ve all heard about the loudness wars. But if we make it a real war, then we can distribute trillions of dollars to musicians, who are of course on the front lines. If the Pentagon can pay $434 for a hammer, then by golly, don''t you think your CD is worth at least $90? Oops, excuse me . . . I meant $900. Or maybe $9,000. Yeah . . . that''s the ticket.
3: Mandatory drug testing. Ever since the early days of jazz, musicians have had a reputation—deserved or not—for smoking marijuana. So, I will implement mandatory drug testing to make sure that whatever they ingest is of the highest possible quality, and grown solely in the United States to dramatically improve our balance of trade.
4: I''ll get all major blocs to vote for me. To win over the religious right, part of my platform will be “Make a joyful noise unto the Lord—and find out how to make noise from Electronic Musician magazine!” To “woo the black vote,” Bootsy Collins will be nominated as Secretary of Funk—a newly-created cabinet position intended to loosen up all those uptight politicians and lobbyists. And for seniors, Medicare will offer free hearing aids that filter out rap and techno music, but let other sounds pass unimpeded.
5: “The “NASCAR Jacket” law. While this doesn''t really have much to do with music, it''s an essential plank in my platform: All Congresspeople will be required to wear NASCAR-type jackets with the corporate logos of their sponsors. If we''re going to have the best Congress money can buy, we should know who''s footing the bills . . . right?