Craig’s List – The “League of 5ive” Music Industry Super-Heroes!

1 Captain Compressor
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Captain Compressor
Yes, he lost his supercompression powers to Loki Limiter in his last movie, Legend of the Lost Dynamics. But Captain Compressor did recover the fabled Bieber-Ray—a device so terrifying that those in its sonic path are instantly immobilized. Interesting gimmick, but a box office failure— insiders say he’ll get his compressor powers back in the sequel, Legend of the Lost Dynamics 2: Try Lowering the Threshold.

Part of Al Gore’s Legion of Eco-Heroes (Discovery Channel, Fridays; check local listings for times), ReverbMan’s unusual ability to make anything wet—acquired after falling overboard in the radioactive waters off Fukushima—has him running around the world in his Reverberocket, saving the world from drought.

Noise Gate Girl
The ultra-sexy Noise Gate Girl (played by Mila Jovovich), like the sirens of old, lures evildoers to her lair by playing irresistible, transcendent music. With her trusty sidekick Hillary Hysteresis, they wait until the moment their prey steps under the gate, then—WHAM! And yes, it’s usually accompanied by Noise Gate Girl spitting out her famous catch phrase, “It’s time for some . . . serious noise reduction!”

Master Maximizer
Granted, some of the “Comicon Cognoscente” consider Master Maximizer a cheap ripoff of The Hulk. Not so! Master Maximizer can crush anything in his path into a worthless, tiny glob of sound so dense its gravitational field equals Jupiter’s. And he does this all with his amazing strength and lack of finesse matched only by . . . well, The Hulk, I guess. Okay, point taken. But Maximizer still rules.

Analog Skypewalker
Technically he’s not really a super-hero, but he is the hero of the immensely popular Merchandising Wars trilogy. In his latest movie Return of the Vinyl, Analog is held captive by the evil lord Darth Digital. Will his friend Han Solobutton (played by Harrison Consoles) make it past the Hiss of Death, and save Analog from being frozen perpetually in a zero state? It’s Analog vs. Digital—and they’re ready to rumble! Turntable rumble, that is.